Wednesday, January 13, 2010

As simple as I can

I don't want to edit my post, but clarify... I think I worded the simplification of my predicament a little wrong in the 'Thankfulness' post. It does not work in that way. ^.^

My brain was switching, I was knocked into depression due to it, I think, as the first step-

Life added on to that... and everything that plagued me in my life. I had stress and loneliness added on to my brain fooling about with itself, and I had no comfort from other people around me or any sort of a helping atmosphere, and so I got worse and worse, and couldn't get better by anything- I still had the stress, no real comfort, and so on... and I felt helpless and suffocating and alone. I think I felt suffocated because I couldn't do many things I wanted to, and I kept becoming less and less able to do things, even very, very simple things... and I kept feeling pushed in on all sides.

In the end, I became numb. I couldn't feel anything. It was very recently (or it seems so) that that happened... I think about a year and a half ago, at the Hunters' gathering, I still felt some things, and the strangulation feeling was very evident. Now, I don't feel it any more- I'm numb, and there's nothing to compare my inability to, so I can't feel strangulated. There's no way I could feel it if I don't see something different than it, if you know what I mean.

I don't think that this state is something I am supposed to be in, or something that will happen if I get stressed again- I know God wouldn't do that, somehow, and also that this came to happen likely because of a combination of things without 'treatment' which I probably won't have again, either. I should say that I trust God won't do it again. He has a reason this time, and if the trial comes through, He has no need to do the same thing again (unless for some other inconceivable reason, I suppose, but let's not go into that, please?).

I'm pondering just how to describe this to people. I don't think I have anything to describe it with... because all images have failed me. It feels like a jail that's pitch-black with absolutely nothing... and I feel starved and unable to breathe, hardly, and I feel wounded and sore and weak so that I can't really use my muscles, and so on... and I feel emotionally lost and unmotivated and unable to do anything... and I have no comfort.

But right now, there is a faint glimmer of hope... I can't imagine how to say just how faint it is... but seeing ANYTHING and knowing it's there, or that it probably is, is so ridiculously nice... it's very... very nice. :)

Since for so long I've been far from being even just in between happy and unhappy, everything that 'makes me better' just boosts me up a little closer to the line between happy and unhappy. I can't imagine at all being really happy. I can be grateful now, just the teensiest bit compared to before- I can't really feel it -but... I am not happy. I'm very discontent. But I'm happy compared to what I have been, and it seems like bliss, because how on earth could I have something this remarkably wonderful? I don't even deserve it! God's going to spoil me!

I see right now just how dark this is perhaps to read... but I like to think about and clear my mind on it (or possibly confuse it more)... this unhappiness has been my life so that I don't know happiness, and where I am, I suppose below me is absolute falling into despair, and above me is kind of... feeling bad and knowing I'm bad, but not submitting to it, no despair.

I'm at the place where I'm not despairing, but I can't feel sadness- it's all I have- I'm numb, absolutely numb, and... I'm not in the place above where I am where you can see happiness just above, brightly shining as a beacon of hope. I am so glad I'm not despairing. But I don't think I have to fear it. I simply am not made to despair... though I feel as though it would be so, so easy to fall into despair, like I'm clinging onto a cliff and could fall off, but somehow I'm not... as though I have enough strength not to, but I know I don't have enough strength, so I know it is absolutely and no-doubt God Who keeps me up. I know so well it isn't I. I have not enough strength to do it... in fact, I'm devoid of any strength.

But never fear! I'm not really this glum all 'round. :)

The Story

Here's how it went about-

I was depressed, at first, just normally depressed. It was a stupid sort of depression. I was just sad, felt lost, and all... Gina had gone to L'abri for a week, and I sort of murdered myself by reading books all night and sleeping during the day. I think the reason I did that was likely due to hormones and actually acting on what they made me feel, and I kept being depressed, my brain kept changing, but during it, my life went on. I had stress. I had things nagging at me. Nobody in my family accepted I could be getting into something, as in, my siblings don't care a jot that I'm depressed and they think I'm making it up, so I didn't have support. I was pretty much alone, struggling through it with God.

My parents knew about it, but in all my life, I never wanted (and still don't want) people to sacrifice things for me. They have no need to- if I get all beat up, I'll recover someday. I don't want it. I don't need it. I really don't care!

So, I got beat up and cut by things, and with my brain changing, stresses added to it, and I got worse and worse, and lost my grip on reality so that I couldn't even pray (or at least, I have no idea if I'm really praying... I'm just speaking words, and they have no meaning, no real desire behind them- I did pray, but I don't think that any desire was in it, any real wanting God to do something)... and I kept adding prayers to my list, and I kept praying for all of these people, and I kept caring for so many people. I also kept telling myself, 'You're not THAT bad, just wait and you'll get out of this,' and other things. And... I got worse and worse... and at some point, after talking to Mummy about it, I decided to not pray for so many people. God could take care of them, and I am still praying every moment of the day, even when I don't know it- God knows what we desire deeply, and He will take care of it even if we aren't conscious we want it all the time.

Now, I think I have reached a peak of this... I am very numb, and I can't really understand English and keep track of full sentences at once, and I live automatically by what I have absorbed of how to live and act over the years of my life, and... I am empty. I have nothing in me. My character is hidden deep inside of me.

The reason I got bad was because of brain switchings, and then the add-on of stress, I think... no relief from it or anything. I feel bitter that I ever let myself have stress, but I'm way, way too submitting and so on to just say, 'I won't do it. Forget about it. Deal with it yourself,' or whatever. There are so, so, so many things which bother me... and all my life I just said I will live through it, and when I'm eighteen and marry, I can go and do what I really, truly mean to do.

Well, the truth is, I can't just wait to do things until I'm married. I have to apply the hoards of knowledge I have and learn to live life. I don't know how to. I don't want anything. I don't care for myself. I don't need anything... I could live through anything- it would be life.

But, though all of this seems terribly hopeless and so on, God has let this happen for a reason. I always had a shadow over me... I felt lonely, alone and left behind. Older children and even children my age seemed to push me away, and every single thing done against me in my life, even as teasing, has impressed upon me and now I see it... it's ridiculous... how it all worked that way. I really, truly thought I'd live through it, that it was temporary. I think sometimes I wondered if it would have real effect on me, and it has. It's why I got depressed as I did in times... I felt lost, and every kind of depression was the same sort as the last- I felt lost. I knew God was there, I knew everything was lovely, but I was separated and could not possibly inject myself into humanity, so to speak. I didn't feel a part of it. I suppose nobody really does, but I think the way I felt it was a very much more profound way than that... I really can't DO things with people. I tried, but it never, ever stayed for long... and it was always overhung by a shadow. I just couldn't do it. I can't relate with people how I wish I could... I do it as a wanderer.

I think it's exactly why I can only fathom writing about people who are lonely and wandering, secluded and alone. I can't go past that beginning full of thoughts of loneliness, and I can't ... I can't fathom anything... to do with not having that. I dream of it, and I think it will sometime be mine to be happy and joyous and full of life, but for now, I am dead and dull and sad. I imagine that all the time, I could be crying because of this. I know life is beautiful, but one bit of my life is so absolutely horrid that I want to scream about it, but I'm so used to not crying or screaming that I can't.

I think that if I were to be with friends, both of these things could eventually be done... I need to let it out. It's been bottled up all my life.

And now, I shall leave you! Sorry for so much... it's a lot to read. ^.^ Many of you know it all, I think, but I need to say it again and clear my mind about it... it definitely cannot all be written of in one moment, though.

Thankfulness

One thing I find to be absolutely and always containing me when I'm not fully taken over by depression or some sort of miserable sadness is thankfulness... anything good makes me absolutely bursting with thankfulness, and I can't help but stop and thank God for the thing.

It... seems natural. Absolutely natural. And it's very nice... because then I know I can't always be hopeless, and in those times, I realise that bad things aren't all that there is, and they don't own the world, so to speak.

As of the past week or a little less (I think), I have been this way... I haven't been like this for more than a year, I believe. It's cruel how long it has been. It used to be all that I was, even when I was depressed, I still knew that there were amazingly wondrous things all over, and I thanked God for them. But I've been numb for so long, and was absolutely impervious to anything. I can't feel anything, really, but I think it's all coming back...

Yesterday, I felt drained. Tired. Mentally sleepy. I could tell it was my mind, and I knew it was there, faintly tugging at me. I am tired. I just haven't felt it, and I haven't cared- I have to keep living on. People want me to. So, I must do it.

I want to rest. I really wish I could go heard and soul into resting, but I can't... I am expected to do things.

I wish I could be a hospital patient, so to speak, and be able to sleep, rest, and all of that... I want it very much, but I feel like maybe God doesn't want me to have that. I can be perfectly thankful with what He gives me, and I know that in the end I'll likely realise why it was better than the other possibility, but I still wish for it. I have for all of my life so far. Absolute rest, just... lying, not expected to do anything at all. I desire so much to be in situations like characters in movies where they are resting from a wound- I have a wound, and I want rest from it... desperately. I wish I could rest without other hassles. I think I could heal faster, but I likely am not going to get that.

Something I was sure of lately is that once I was taken off of doing some things, let to give them up for now, I would take up other things. I know it is so now- I have taken up other things. I feel pulled to write, to make things, all that, now. I think I am likely healing straightway, but I wish so much I could start over... it would be the most peaceful, amazing thing in my life so far. I want to start over. I likely will have to- my life from now on will be very different... I have been lonely for years, and alone, and left to be by myself, and now that will end, in a way. At least, that's my impression.

So... I am struggling to submit to getting better, too. I fear that if I get better, I'll not have anything to do. I won't have anything to think about. But that isn't true- when I'm better, everything I used to think about will be unlocked for me to think about, uncovered... and it will be the most amazing thing I can imagine. I've been locked from it in a little prison. I can't even see the things, or imagine them. I really can't... not in the least. I don't know what they're like... I see sunsets and trees and animals and all, but I am locked from understanding they are really there and knowing just what sort of a thing they really truly impress on me when I'm not insane.

It is cruel, really... I know it is... I don't know how to enjoy things. I still look for beauty naturally, but I can't exactly see it. I know that it's there like words on paper, but the words don't show an image in my mind right now. I don't know if this even makes sense...

But I'm sure that I must be starting to feel my tiredness... and I was not wrong. Not wrong at all. For years, I wasn't wrong. I was always cautious coming to conclusions about this... though I only saw a little bit of it, or a faint glimpse, what I saw what really there, I believe. It's all showing now... seeing good things helps me to no end. I have been stripped from seeing things while I was going through something very separate from happiness... I suppose I shall post next post how I got into this- it helps... (I am separating these two 'sections' of one post because it will make it ridiculously long to have both, and at least have two half-as-long posts...)

To state it as simply as I can in one paragraph- my brain was changing, all the hormones, chemicals and so-forth were having all their hectic plays, and along came stress, discontentment, and the loneliness and aloneness that has been with me all my life. Possibly my brain is still in the same bout of changing, or else it's done and I am left almost insane with a ridiculous amount of stress- I have absolutely no idea. That's one thing I just don't know among many things I vaguely know. ^.^ Now, I am numb, can't really do much of anything, I can't control myself... and I'm most discontent, but I am used to submitting and compromising and being poked at on every part of me and made smaller, being pressed in and in and in... and sometime that has to stop.

Friday, January 1, 2010

'Tis 2010 and you don't know what I'm writing about

Or do you?

I have been at embroidering very happily. In every moment I can find, really and truly, over the past few days. ^.^ I pick up and embroider when someone's typing something out on Gmail and hasn't entered it yet, in between my turn in a game, in between many things when I have some seconds to stick a needle through and pull it... and then in those times when you have more time to embroider.

And I really didn't force myself, either. It just came. Somehow, doing something is obsessive if I... do it. I don't know if I really enjoyed it, but it is very beautiful, what I made, and sometime I can show you all what it looked like if I ever, ever get Blogger working correctly.

No. I don't have 'New Year's resolutions' or whatever people call them. I don't even know how one monitors those sorts of things. I just do what comes up in life, and I don't give up, either. I'm stubborn... I don't think that anything I really, truly try to do ever gets tossed away. I always pick it up later, and typically I lay it down due to time or else because I need some rest from it. And I finish it later. So, I'm embroidering what I've always wanted to now... or rather, I finished it already.

One thing that I will remember this year as is it is the year that I stopped being a decade and a half, and instead I began to be a decade and a half and a fifth of a half. Really. That's... sad. Bad year! It stole me my wonderful little title!

Though, I'm not yet a decade and a half and a fifth of a half. That's a tad later. But I will be plenty soon, and it's this bad year which did it to me! I suppose one day, I can say I'm a fifth of a century old, or two decades, or a score, and after that, a quarter of a century or two decades and a half or a score and a quarter!

:D

Or a score and five. ^.^

Anyway. That's odd. Weird.

The real current terrible thing is that I am missing the Gathering. O.O The people at the Aherns' did call us and chatter at us and I played harp for them (and they flattered me rather like eating too much ice cream), well... but I'm not there! The up to that is that John says he will try to have one this summer if nobody else is set on it. The Hunters said the same, that they would do it if nobody else did, so obviously the Hunters and Aherns have to work it out. Unless Mrs Ahern isn't up for it.

At any rate, if 'tis so, I get to see the beautiful Rocky Mountains again and the pikas (I hope), and also to traipse the Western Wild. I love the west. But the east is also beautiful.

I had come. I had seen. Then I wrote. ... Okayyy.