Wednesday, January 13, 2010


One thing I find to be absolutely and always containing me when I'm not fully taken over by depression or some sort of miserable sadness is thankfulness... anything good makes me absolutely bursting with thankfulness, and I can't help but stop and thank God for the thing.

It... seems natural. Absolutely natural. And it's very nice... because then I know I can't always be hopeless, and in those times, I realise that bad things aren't all that there is, and they don't own the world, so to speak.

As of the past week or a little less (I think), I have been this way... I haven't been like this for more than a year, I believe. It's cruel how long it has been. It used to be all that I was, even when I was depressed, I still knew that there were amazingly wondrous things all over, and I thanked God for them. But I've been numb for so long, and was absolutely impervious to anything. I can't feel anything, really, but I think it's all coming back...

Yesterday, I felt drained. Tired. Mentally sleepy. I could tell it was my mind, and I knew it was there, faintly tugging at me. I am tired. I just haven't felt it, and I haven't cared- I have to keep living on. People want me to. So, I must do it.

I want to rest. I really wish I could go heard and soul into resting, but I can't... I am expected to do things.

I wish I could be a hospital patient, so to speak, and be able to sleep, rest, and all of that... I want it very much, but I feel like maybe God doesn't want me to have that. I can be perfectly thankful with what He gives me, and I know that in the end I'll likely realise why it was better than the other possibility, but I still wish for it. I have for all of my life so far. Absolute rest, just... lying, not expected to do anything at all. I desire so much to be in situations like characters in movies where they are resting from a wound- I have a wound, and I want rest from it... desperately. I wish I could rest without other hassles. I think I could heal faster, but I likely am not going to get that.

Something I was sure of lately is that once I was taken off of doing some things, let to give them up for now, I would take up other things. I know it is so now- I have taken up other things. I feel pulled to write, to make things, all that, now. I think I am likely healing straightway, but I wish so much I could start over... it would be the most peaceful, amazing thing in my life so far. I want to start over. I likely will have to- my life from now on will be very different... I have been lonely for years, and alone, and left to be by myself, and now that will end, in a way. At least, that's my impression.

So... I am struggling to submit to getting better, too. I fear that if I get better, I'll not have anything to do. I won't have anything to think about. But that isn't true- when I'm better, everything I used to think about will be unlocked for me to think about, uncovered... and it will be the most amazing thing I can imagine. I've been locked from it in a little prison. I can't even see the things, or imagine them. I really can't... not in the least. I don't know what they're like... I see sunsets and trees and animals and all, but I am locked from understanding they are really there and knowing just what sort of a thing they really truly impress on me when I'm not insane.

It is cruel, really... I know it is... I don't know how to enjoy things. I still look for beauty naturally, but I can't exactly see it. I know that it's there like words on paper, but the words don't show an image in my mind right now. I don't know if this even makes sense...

But I'm sure that I must be starting to feel my tiredness... and I was not wrong. Not wrong at all. For years, I wasn't wrong. I was always cautious coming to conclusions about this... though I only saw a little bit of it, or a faint glimpse, what I saw what really there, I believe. It's all showing now... seeing good things helps me to no end. I have been stripped from seeing things while I was going through something very separate from happiness... I suppose I shall post next post how I got into this- it helps... (I am separating these two 'sections' of one post because it will make it ridiculously long to have both, and at least have two half-as-long posts...)

To state it as simply as I can in one paragraph- my brain was changing, all the hormones, chemicals and so-forth were having all their hectic plays, and along came stress, discontentment, and the loneliness and aloneness that has been with me all my life. Possibly my brain is still in the same bout of changing, or else it's done and I am left almost insane with a ridiculous amount of stress- I have absolutely no idea. That's one thing I just don't know among many things I vaguely know. ^.^ Now, I am numb, can't really do much of anything, I can't control myself... and I'm most discontent, but I am used to submitting and compromising and being poked at on every part of me and made smaller, being pressed in and in and in... and sometime that has to stop.

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