Wednesday, January 13, 2010

As simple as I can

I don't want to edit my post, but clarify... I think I worded the simplification of my predicament a little wrong in the 'Thankfulness' post. It does not work in that way. ^.^

My brain was switching, I was knocked into depression due to it, I think, as the first step-

Life added on to that... and everything that plagued me in my life. I had stress and loneliness added on to my brain fooling about with itself, and I had no comfort from other people around me or any sort of a helping atmosphere, and so I got worse and worse, and couldn't get better by anything- I still had the stress, no real comfort, and so on... and I felt helpless and suffocating and alone. I think I felt suffocated because I couldn't do many things I wanted to, and I kept becoming less and less able to do things, even very, very simple things... and I kept feeling pushed in on all sides.

In the end, I became numb. I couldn't feel anything. It was very recently (or it seems so) that that happened... I think about a year and a half ago, at the Hunters' gathering, I still felt some things, and the strangulation feeling was very evident. Now, I don't feel it any more- I'm numb, and there's nothing to compare my inability to, so I can't feel strangulated. There's no way I could feel it if I don't see something different than it, if you know what I mean.

I don't think that this state is something I am supposed to be in, or something that will happen if I get stressed again- I know God wouldn't do that, somehow, and also that this came to happen likely because of a combination of things without 'treatment' which I probably won't have again, either. I should say that I trust God won't do it again. He has a reason this time, and if the trial comes through, He has no need to do the same thing again (unless for some other inconceivable reason, I suppose, but let's not go into that, please?).

I'm pondering just how to describe this to people. I don't think I have anything to describe it with... because all images have failed me. It feels like a jail that's pitch-black with absolutely nothing... and I feel starved and unable to breathe, hardly, and I feel wounded and sore and weak so that I can't really use my muscles, and so on... and I feel emotionally lost and unmotivated and unable to do anything... and I have no comfort.

But right now, there is a faint glimmer of hope... I can't imagine how to say just how faint it is... but seeing ANYTHING and knowing it's there, or that it probably is, is so ridiculously nice... it's very... very nice. :)

Since for so long I've been far from being even just in between happy and unhappy, everything that 'makes me better' just boosts me up a little closer to the line between happy and unhappy. I can't imagine at all being really happy. I can be grateful now, just the teensiest bit compared to before- I can't really feel it -but... I am not happy. I'm very discontent. But I'm happy compared to what I have been, and it seems like bliss, because how on earth could I have something this remarkably wonderful? I don't even deserve it! God's going to spoil me!

I see right now just how dark this is perhaps to read... but I like to think about and clear my mind on it (or possibly confuse it more)... this unhappiness has been my life so that I don't know happiness, and where I am, I suppose below me is absolute falling into despair, and above me is kind of... feeling bad and knowing I'm bad, but not submitting to it, no despair.

I'm at the place where I'm not despairing, but I can't feel sadness- it's all I have- I'm numb, absolutely numb, and... I'm not in the place above where I am where you can see happiness just above, brightly shining as a beacon of hope. I am so glad I'm not despairing. But I don't think I have to fear it. I simply am not made to despair... though I feel as though it would be so, so easy to fall into despair, like I'm clinging onto a cliff and could fall off, but somehow I'm not... as though I have enough strength not to, but I know I don't have enough strength, so I know it is absolutely and no-doubt God Who keeps me up. I know so well it isn't I. I have not enough strength to do it... in fact, I'm devoid of any strength.

But never fear! I'm not really this glum all 'round. :)

1 comment:

Nora Roisin said...

Not simple at all, I know.

I'm hopeless. ^.^