Friday, December 11, 2009

What I collect

I think it's an interesting thing to write a post on. Maybe. I don't know- I'm not really a blogger, am I?

But one thing I do every day (well, I do a lot every day, but this is one of the things) is collect spellings of words and pronunciations. I find what I prefer and use it. An example is that I prefer pronouncing 'either' like 'eyether' rather than 'eether'. Not with a soft, unvoiced 'th', though, but I think you know what I mean. ^.^

I also like to 'cultivate' an older look at writing... if that makes sense. I like using old subjunctives and doing sentence structure the way I find it done in old books. I hate modern rules of punctuation and such- they're so forced and ugly and sound all academic to me. They sound stiff. I like old kinds because it seems to fit a train-of-thought style which I suppose I have.

That's one of the only things I collect. It's interesting to note (to me) by this that I tend to do a lot of things in my head, not physical things. I don't collect stamps much because... I don't see stamps much. I have learned to hide in my own mind and use thinking as a way to keep myself entertained... I don't know why. I like to sing, which is loud and the kids don't like, but I can live without singing if they want me to (but I just sometimes feel, 'I will just SING whether they like it or not or I'll explode...').

So, over years of feeling like being pushed on all sides, I've learned to satisfy myself with just thinking. It's both a good thing and a bad thing, really... because now I don't know how to let myself have some few joys for me to look at, things that are MY OWN WAY. I don't know what my own way is, really. I haven't for years. I think that now is the time God is going to let me see it, to let me have some sort of self-esteem and be able to bloom *outside of myself*. I haven't for years... I've suppressed my knowledge within me, and my wisdom, and everything. My friends see it, but my family doesn't and those who are with me in RL won't likely see it. I'm quiet, timid and only sometimes I'm bold, and people generally just stare at me when I am.

I know there's more to me than my family makes out. My not talking to them about my thoughts, learning to live *alone*, has made it this way, and they still think I'm like I was when I was eleven, just a bit taller and bigger around and looking older.

But I KNOW this must be the last time I get like this. Since I was eleven, I've gone often into bumps of depression, if that makes sense. This time, it was sort of... a looong time. And it is the last time, I think. I have this feeling God's been telling me it is, all these years... I may not have seen it, but God meant me all along to be normal sometime, but likely I'll feel lonely many times the way I have all my life until 'then', and sometimes I might wonder if it really ended.

Often, if there's any chance of my friends or siblings leaving me out of something, or any kind of me being left out, I start being protective and defensive and stiff with people... and I am perked and aware of anything they say, what could they mean? I have been left out of things kind of subtly throughout my life, and those times all built up to make me be an alone person who lives inside of her head.

But I don't think I can really live this way, any longer. That is one reason why it must end... because it simply makes sense that it will. And God has always made sense in my life. I'm not saying that every moment of my life I know what's going to happen and know how it works, but oftentimes I look back and realise that EVERYTHING went PERFECTLY. Even if it was horrible. And still is. It all went perfectly for some great end... and I don't know how I know that, but somehow I do. It's like looking at a clock, of course... it all works perfectly together to work the seconds away. You may not know how it does, but somehow you know... I am not sure. I think sometimes God just shows me, even if I don't really see the end and how it does... He tells me it does and shows me little bits of how it does, and I can not at all complain. There's no reason to.

But right now, I don't see perfectness so well. It's hard to see anything. But I know that this has to be the end... it does. And I don't think counselling will bring me out- I think God will, along with what tools he used those other times. I've been this way before, just not exactly the same and not for long... I'm depressed for the 'same reason'. I'm just lonely. Alone. I feel forgotten, untrusted, even though I *think* I must be able to be trusted. I am an honest person and I ... all these years, I've been changing deep, deep inside of me, and I don't think my siblings understand to what extent. They don't know me as who I know I am. I try to show it, but it depends if they will actually accept it. For all they know, I could easily be faking it- they have to make a leap of faith from the eleven-year-old Amorette to the fifteen-year-old. Or just current. I don't know that my age has to do with it so much as my state of mind during those times.

That's how it is. :) My mind is my house. It's not much of one to me, and I don't at all feel 'home sweet home' about it, but that's what it is. This house I live in in the middle of the city isn't much of a home to me... because it doesn't offer me comforts or shelter or anything. I have... somehow... been so AWAY from here. I don't know. It's so radical just how I have been, I think, that I can't explain it. It's too weird. But also, it's very much what many humans feel deep in themselves, even if they've been loved so much and had a home, we all have a sense of loneliness and lostness.

And the way out of it is God, is it not? It's not like you immediately feel happy and unlost (I don't think that's really possible *at all*), but you know... *why* it is this way. We aren't where we belong. All the pain and suffering isn't RIGHT. We know that. Innately. And so... here we are, waiting.


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