Friday, December 25, 2009

It's the day!

Joyyyeux Noël!

(I'm trying to replicate the 'MERRRY CHRISTMASSS!' thing...)

I'm not sure I have the heart, sanity, or something to give out wishes. But you know what I mean, I think.

So, I'm alive. I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier whether I got the yarn and crewel yarn... I did. I don't think I strictly got crewel, but I did get wool embroidery yarny stuff. And some lovely three colours of yarn along with another... which is many colours, like Joseph's robe, I suppose, in the Bible.

I have been on a 'harping spree'... I suppose I'm harping a little happier now. I prefer to do it when my fingers are dry, but often when I come to it, they're sweaty.

Today, in my stocking, I got some oddments of the sweet sort (dried fruit and chocolate/yogurt-covered things) and a drop spindle with roving. Just a little roving, but some. o.o

I'm kind of happy about it, yes! But I find that when I try to work with something in my hands, I feel dizzy and sick. I think it's the focusing on one area as though nothing else exists. So, I tried to wend my way onto a computer so that I could draw embroidery designs... and here I am! Wow!

~.^

Well... I've been contemplating odd things for long. I'm kind of morose, feeling a tad not perfect, and very lonely. I felt like this last Christmas. Why do I always feel this way when I ought to be realising what the day is about? I can't really do it... I feel so unpious. I did sing descant yesterday, though... after we had listened in the morning to the King's College Choir in Cambridge, England. Wheeee. So fun. So nice.

The only thing is... I can't enjoy anything, so I feel like giving up! And there's nobody to tell me not to, now that people are off on their separate vacationings for Christmas. I'm very, very glad I didn't get gobs of presents from one person, though. So far, I only have one strict present- the spindle. I'm FINE if I only get one thing like that in my stocking. I'd rather get a tiny bit than much... then you know what to do with it.

I have the feeling that I'll probably give some of my candy away to siblings because I won't want to eat it anytime soon, or not much of it. I feel sick if I eat too many sweet things, or too much sweetness, and eggs and cheese tend to make me feel sick. I know it's not physical sickness because I feel perfectly fine in my body, but in my mind, everything's confusion and sickness. It's very odd. But sometimes I feel like regurgitating due to it... though I try my best not to, and so far I've succeeded.

Among my bad tidings, I think I'm getting sick. I'm/we're hoping it's not whooping cough or something...

But still, merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

One post per day

That's what I want to do. Or one post per two days.

I hope to post short posts.

But wait- telling about how I'm going to post isn't going to help!

I'm in search of a spindle and roving and some crewel (or cruel) yarn. I want to embroider things... for people. Not to mention, I want to make myself a double-sided hood... wait, that doesn't make sense. Uh. I want to make a hood that is two bits of knitted stuff thick.

>.<

I can't really think very well.

I'm also desperately wishing to make myself clothing. And I want to go to Raleigh and visit Mari, but I doubt it's going to happen. Anyway, I'm not sure that I'm mentally prepared to go travelling alone on a train. And I don't think Mum will want me to, anyways. And I sort of don't want to be alone on a train.

Please work your way past accidental typo things... I am so tired, sort of.

I feel like I want to sleep and then wake up every morning to a different house and a new day and some work to do. Work for hands. But no- I can't work. I have nothing to do! So, I'm going to draw pictures of firebirds and weird colourful birdies.

Farewell!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Trying to put my finger on it

I was writing Nostalgia. Here is what I wrote, and, because I can't put fancy italics and such on here, it will lack that very important element of this section.

I was trying to pinpoint just how rottenly ridiculous it is that I feel. There's lots of this sort of thing in Nostalgia to this point, and in my mind. Hopefully, if you understand or want to say anything, say something. And understand that I'm being perfectly honest in this. ^.^ I suppose many of you probably understand I am...

--

There's nothing more that I wish to do but to scream. I want to give up and scream, to go hysterical!

Doesn't anyone understand how in my present state, I am nothing but hysterical? I am! I really, really am! Just take it! But I can't let it out because of some strange force in me saying, 'This is life! This is life!' And what a stupid, confusing voice that is, force, whatever... it tells me so much what is not true.

It is not life!

I have thought everything that I go through is life. The deaths, the pain, every lonely feeling I felt, the shadow that overhung me because of being alone, a shadow of depression. I told myself for years that everything bad that happened to me was life. Pain is life- pain goes away, somehow. At some point you die. At some point the pain of a deep cut will go away. At some point the itch and sting of dry hands will go away. Sometime, it will all go away.

I wish everything … would show itself to me. That I would feel everything and realise I'm not alone, nor is this life. This fake room I'm in... this consciousness... is not a real consciousness.

HOW confusing it is. If I had only written this down ages ago so that it would be out of my head and when I did write it, it wouldn't be confusing.

My old self is... a lovely thing. It is furnished, finished, full and absolutely lively. But the consciousness, the little room that has been made with me locked inside is not the real me. This room, with only a door, a window and a picture on the wall, is not me. The picture doesn't even characterise something- it looks so fake, I don't know what it is- it's some nightmare from when I was a child with a fever. This room is a plague and torment. I can't see outside, and the room has blank, white walls and a plain floor and ceiling, a small room, and useless room. It's a cold room, and there's not a spark of life in it.

This is where I live. It's a prison- I am locked in it. I can't get out by window or by door. It's all I know, all my little world has.

It is this way, I think- long ago, some people would tell me that I couldn't do something I said I thought I could, or that I wanted to try to do. For years I thought that I couldn't do some things, but when I was alone, I fought it out to myself, thinking that yes, yes, I could do it! I knew I could, and if I couldn't do it, I wouldn't be me!

The 'wouldn't be me' was a sort of insanity. If I were not what made up my character- those things I really thought I could do, or that I was -I would be insane. Blank. Like a clean slate that had never been touched or used. I wouldn't be touched by God's hands in His great work of pottery. I would be empty of anything, devoid of any sort of being. I would have a spirit, but an unformed spirit, something without character, virtue, feeling, or anything. It's so strange... but it's that everything that makes me up weaves itself in the rest of the things and they're all intertwined, and if one thing is gone, the whole thing isn't right, can't be- it falls apart and scatters, and somehow... I am nothing. I am plain.

This room is the plainness. It's a confusion of not being able to do, feel, think, or anything. I can't wrap my mind around the simplest ideas, and when I try, I just go giddy with the dizziness of the effort. I don't even know that I try very hard, but I know that I can't try. I can't even try.

O, I HATE it. I hate it so much I could scream, but I've told myself for years that, as I got worse, this was all life. I got 'used' to it. In a very stupid, grim way. A way I just abhor with so much of my being I want to dash it and kill it... and watch it suffer.

I just... I don't know that I could do that, if I were clear- I'm too nice and all -but I feel so angry at it. It's a slave. Hateful.

But it is how I live... and I can do nothing more. I can't do anything. I don't want to even think about it, and I want comfort somewhere... some way to forget that this is all so bad. It somehow isn't, and I know that because this fake me, that isn't me, isn't REALLY me, and sometimes I know that, sort of, and wish I could knock it down and look at the real me, at the beautiful hangings, fire, and pictures, and furniture, and rugs, and everything that a lovely, furnished home I would like would have. My home, sort of.

My mind.

My mind is lost to insanity... a... slave has taken over my mind. I can't even push it down, and the confusedness kills me. I know it makes sense, but I can't even let this make sense to me. I have to write down my thoughts as soon as I think them, because they pass away, and whatever words come out and describe them when I just say them after just thinking them, those words stay for now until I can later read through this and change the word choice and all. I can't change it if I try. I can't understand what I said.

I can't even get a vague impression.

Who has this? Who in the world understands this? Who cares? Everyone thinks I'm being a silly little thing, I suppose. Anyone would. But WHY can't people just make a leap of faith? Especially Christians who have to believe in something they cannot see. O, useless life! Just throw me away if you don't like me! It couldn't be worse, could it?

If I were to talk to someone, I would be sarcastic and sardonic right now and likely rather morbid, saying 'jokes' … sarcastic jokes at people that are truly despicable. I feel like letting it out that way when I am so annoyed and frustrated so that I could tear my hair out if I didn't have an automatic idea that it isn't the thing to do... I don't do drastic things because all my life I've been told and I've believed that I shouldn't do them.

But I should scream. But I can't scream! I'm so used to suppressing screams, crying, everything, so that I have silenced myself and I sometimes am jovial. Well, I don't feel jovial when I'm so angry. I suppress the anger within me, though, so that sometimes it bursts out and other times it doesn't. I'm used to looking, when I'm angry, just serious and depressed- never smiling, but just looking kind of... useless. Thoughtful. But how awful it is... that I've always hidden myself.

Oh, I WISH I could scream. Could someone take me and let me? Could someone drag me away, pull me out of this?

No, there's no one to do it.

Well, thank you- I'll keep on wandering and killing myself until I die.

God sie mid eow.

Friday, December 11, 2009

What I collect

I think it's an interesting thing to write a post on. Maybe. I don't know- I'm not really a blogger, am I?

But one thing I do every day (well, I do a lot every day, but this is one of the things) is collect spellings of words and pronunciations. I find what I prefer and use it. An example is that I prefer pronouncing 'either' like 'eyether' rather than 'eether'. Not with a soft, unvoiced 'th', though, but I think you know what I mean. ^.^

I also like to 'cultivate' an older look at writing... if that makes sense. I like using old subjunctives and doing sentence structure the way I find it done in old books. I hate modern rules of punctuation and such- they're so forced and ugly and sound all academic to me. They sound stiff. I like old kinds because it seems to fit a train-of-thought style which I suppose I have.

That's one of the only things I collect. It's interesting to note (to me) by this that I tend to do a lot of things in my head, not physical things. I don't collect stamps much because... I don't see stamps much. I have learned to hide in my own mind and use thinking as a way to keep myself entertained... I don't know why. I like to sing, which is loud and the kids don't like, but I can live without singing if they want me to (but I just sometimes feel, 'I will just SING whether they like it or not or I'll explode...').

So, over years of feeling like being pushed on all sides, I've learned to satisfy myself with just thinking. It's both a good thing and a bad thing, really... because now I don't know how to let myself have some few joys for me to look at, things that are MY OWN WAY. I don't know what my own way is, really. I haven't for years. I think that now is the time God is going to let me see it, to let me have some sort of self-esteem and be able to bloom *outside of myself*. I haven't for years... I've suppressed my knowledge within me, and my wisdom, and everything. My friends see it, but my family doesn't and those who are with me in RL won't likely see it. I'm quiet, timid and only sometimes I'm bold, and people generally just stare at me when I am.

I know there's more to me than my family makes out. My not talking to them about my thoughts, learning to live *alone*, has made it this way, and they still think I'm like I was when I was eleven, just a bit taller and bigger around and looking older.

But I KNOW this must be the last time I get like this. Since I was eleven, I've gone often into bumps of depression, if that makes sense. This time, it was sort of... a looong time. And it is the last time, I think. I have this feeling God's been telling me it is, all these years... I may not have seen it, but God meant me all along to be normal sometime, but likely I'll feel lonely many times the way I have all my life until 'then', and sometimes I might wonder if it really ended.

Often, if there's any chance of my friends or siblings leaving me out of something, or any kind of me being left out, I start being protective and defensive and stiff with people... and I am perked and aware of anything they say, what could they mean? I have been left out of things kind of subtly throughout my life, and those times all built up to make me be an alone person who lives inside of her head.

But I don't think I can really live this way, any longer. That is one reason why it must end... because it simply makes sense that it will. And God has always made sense in my life. I'm not saying that every moment of my life I know what's going to happen and know how it works, but oftentimes I look back and realise that EVERYTHING went PERFECTLY. Even if it was horrible. And still is. It all went perfectly for some great end... and I don't know how I know that, but somehow I do. It's like looking at a clock, of course... it all works perfectly together to work the seconds away. You may not know how it does, but somehow you know... I am not sure. I think sometimes God just shows me, even if I don't really see the end and how it does... He tells me it does and shows me little bits of how it does, and I can not at all complain. There's no reason to.

But right now, I don't see perfectness so well. It's hard to see anything. But I know that this has to be the end... it does. And I don't think counselling will bring me out- I think God will, along with what tools he used those other times. I've been this way before, just not exactly the same and not for long... I'm depressed for the 'same reason'. I'm just lonely. Alone. I feel forgotten, untrusted, even though I *think* I must be able to be trusted. I am an honest person and I ... all these years, I've been changing deep, deep inside of me, and I don't think my siblings understand to what extent. They don't know me as who I know I am. I try to show it, but it depends if they will actually accept it. For all they know, I could easily be faking it- they have to make a leap of faith from the eleven-year-old Amorette to the fifteen-year-old. Or just current. I don't know that my age has to do with it so much as my state of mind during those times.

That's how it is. :) My mind is my house. It's not much of one to me, and I don't at all feel 'home sweet home' about it, but that's what it is. This house I live in in the middle of the city isn't much of a home to me... because it doesn't offer me comforts or shelter or anything. I have... somehow... been so AWAY from here. I don't know. It's so radical just how I have been, I think, that I can't explain it. It's too weird. But also, it's very much what many humans feel deep in themselves, even if they've been loved so much and had a home, we all have a sense of loneliness and lostness.

And the way out of it is God, is it not? It's not like you immediately feel happy and unlost (I don't think that's really possible *at all*), but you know... *why* it is this way. We aren't where we belong. All the pain and suffering isn't RIGHT. We know that. Innately. And so... here we are, waiting.

^.^

Friday, November 20, 2009

The Many Goings-on

As of the past few days, or even longer (as... in a way... it's taken all these years I've been this way), I think I am coming 'to terms' with what is causing this. It is a happifying thing to know that. I also got my biology report done in one sitting, in one day, on Monday or Tuesday. I was ... really stunned. Very glad. Ridiculously.

Even though I don't particularly feel it, the way I 'felt' that pays for all of it. It's proof I'm getting better... and it makes me happy. Even when something sad happens... if I have a response to it, it... it's not bad, it's wonderful- I'm not numb, I'm not just not seeing it, I'm having a slight response to it, at least, and it's joyous. Anyway, once I get my head back, I will be able to put my sorrows on God again, and it will all be well. It won't matter. And I'll still be glad that I can feel sorrow.

So... I'm sure I'm getting better. And I'm also sure that it has to do with my surroundings and so on- I know it does. I'm glad that I know that... I'm not going to let myself bewail it for the rest of my life. It is better, even if in a way it is sad, than not being able to tell at all, and only being able to feel miserable in a numb, stupid, most gruelling way.

Even if now I know how much I am a slave to working, and I sort of made my own slavery (though before, it was a wonderful thing, it now has become something... really bad, as it has not been balanced with knowing God can take care of sorrows, and I can just help people bear through them)... and the odd dilemma is that I am unwilling to stop going on, even though I am already crushed... I won't stop doing it. I'm so used to doing it, and I meant to do it from the very moment I began to mature, I think. Even before that I wanted to bear sorrows for people, so, therefore, I would say it's my character.

So, the dilemma is, I am unwilling to stop, but I am not willing to keep on doing it. Why is odd, I suppose, to you all. I am stubborn. If I start doing something with a great meaning to really do it, I won't stop until I'm done unless someone makes me. And all this time, nobody's made me. In a way I'm willing to keep going on, but in a way not- I love to help people, but now, I just can't do it anymore because I'm so crushed that I myself need help, and without help, I won't be able to keep on doing this- but I'm unwilling to stop helping others, to stop trying. And I am unwilling to give up. I also can't really. People still expect me to do things, to conform to what they want, to keep on getting more discontent from it, and I cannot stop when they want it.... I am also held in the reins of the people around me. I won't stop trying to serve them, whether they notice what I'm doing or not (the majority of the time, they don't, really)... and I am not living in my own home, and my own home isn't really a home to me. I'm miserable in it. Discontent. I can't live to do what I wish to do- all I do here, half-willingly and half-unwillingly, is serving others, making sure that they have what they want. When they complain, I feel compelled to go and make it better for them.

And... sometimes I'm told I have to. But I can't really do it anymore. I need to stop and to rest and to simply give up and let myself be crushed, and then God can take the burden and help me up, or help me to someplace where I can just lie down and sleep for a decade and recuperate all the strength that was completely drained from me in more than two years of uselessly trying to make ANYBODY BUT ME be happy, content and not miserable.

And making ungrateful people 'happy' doesn't work- it won't give me any satisfaction now because they keep wanting more. They're hungry for more of my constant saying, 'Okay, I'll try,' or doing the thing without saying. I can tell when my siblings want me not to do something. There are some things I don't do still because I just don't have the time to find out what I'll do to somehow squeeze out of their way... and I say in my mind, 'LIVE WITH IT.' I don't say it to them. I don't want to make them sad. And I don't really feel that way. I still want to make them happy for the endless rest of their lives with me.

Three years. Maybe.... until I can leave this house. Three years of what I see as slavery. Slavery in a home which I don't see as mine, slavery in a city where I can never run about and be *alone*... this city is stuffed with houses, people, and no friends except people at church and at co-ops whom I hardly know anyway, and whom I can't come to know now because I will be forcing the relationship, not letting it chug along by itself.

I want to be with friends, with people who will appreciate me, and really truly know what I'm doing, and what I want to do. This home really tires me to no end. To no visible end- I keep on going even though I do believe I am already crushed.

:/ I know there's more to it than that, but one long post of this will do... farewell!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

'That Happy, Festive Season'

I was just thinking of November so. The month you sit down somewhere to write fifty-thousand (or more) words in a month.

I have been writing 'this much' since before- I was pelting down Nostalgia, as you know (if you've read previous posts and have been haunted by my conversation for awhile), and got many, many words. My goal back then had been to get fifty-thousand before NaNo, and I did that quite a lot before NaNo (by a week, maybe?), so I got a lot more before NaNo.

I am lunging well up to one-hundred-thousand now. I am currently at a happy 87,914.

And that 'festive' feeling, probably 'writerly' feeling, has come upon me! This writing much and the fact that I actually think I'm writing 'something' and that I am really getting practise out of this for writing books later makes me feel very accomplished. It makes me feel like I am a writer.

It also makes me feel that someday I will be blessed by God to do what He wishes me to... whatever it is, I think it will be glorious, and I might have an idea of what it is. An idea, though.

At any rate- that is much of what I have to say. I like how I am feeling now. It is an accomplished feeling, and an accomplishing feeling... like I will come with my stubborn sword and conquer that which I wish to do and think it would be good to do. I have many things I want to do- I'd like to give myself a more efficient and colourful wardrobe. Not a silly wardrobe of today. Something that will likely also inspire me to write nice things. Likely many people will ask me questions and stare at me for wearing bright, long dresses and things, but I'd rather be questioned and stared at than not do it... who cares what the world things? And wouldn't it be lovely if everyone wore nice, modest, colourful clothing? Batiks and calicos and tartans? And what about historically-'inspired' clothing?

I'm not sure anybody will get what I mean by 'historically-"inspired"'... I mean something not so much like Goth styles or whatever, but more like clothing that is made with techniques and constructions which people used in the centuries previous to now. I am interested in many ancient ones, all the way through to around 1950. I am not particularly fond of anything after that, really.

One thing I've recently liked is the idea of mediaeval-based clothing. Not a lot of people know what mediaeval clothing was really constructed like, and I'm not sure how they *did* it, but I think that I can use the 'basic idea' to make something nice for myself.

I never really 'liked' clothing... I don't have a huge wardrobe, and I'm not crazy about finding all kinds of things to add to mine. I just want to have what does the job, although hardly any modern clothes do all I wish they did, and that is JUST why I want to make my own. I really, really dislike how people have come to make clothing... not just in how they look, but how they feel, and in how they are to be worn. It isn't common sense to make them how they are made. And so, I think I'll just have to start over from scratch, and from what has been made in the past, and make up my own clothing all alone. :)

So, someday I might have something to show you all... and as I get better at putting things together in a timely fashion, I'll feel accomplished in the station of making garments, like writing... and I'll also work on translating and reading, and I can translate things for peoples' birthdays. I don't know who would appreciate that, but I know whom I know might.

This post might be summarised as a little piece of my mind. I suppose I should write more of this, and I will get almost daily posts out with something worthwhile in each.

One thing interesting about me- everything in my mind tends to be somehow related, and that is one reason why I go off on tangents in posts, because somehow things have to do with each other. Even if I don't seem to be showing a relation, there are some... but that makes sense- everything is related because it is in a world God created, and the things God created all are so heavily intertwined that ... it could only be that way, couldn't it? And there's so much to learn, too... which is the reason I spend so much time thinking, and now so much time pelting words down in Nostalgia. ^.^

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

^.^

I can't think up witty post titles, but that isn't surprising because, each time I post, I'm not really writing about anything in particular.

Currently, I'm fighting my schoolwork, or trying. Rather like how a little mouse might fight a rat... I'm not sure. I'm really into mice right now, because they're tiny and cute and keep dying in our house (I feel sorry for them).

I keep thinking how I wish I could buy all these different kinds of folk harps. There are lots that sound nice, but they all cost a significant amount of money and I know I'm not going to try to buy them all when I'm older, because... I must settle with only a few, and make sure the purchases make sense. I mean, when I'm older (have a little bit of money, I mean) and know how to play folk-harp better, I will likely try to get a big, many-stringed Dusty Strings harp. I may also try to find a lap-harp for different things- they're much lighter and more carry-around-able, and will be suitable for different things. Besides, I'm sure they're fun to play. I hope that when I run off to Hobgoblin Music again, I can find out what it's like to play one, now that I can actually play legitimately, sort of. I can't really- I haven't gotten lessons, but I think I'm doing it right. ^.^^^

NaNoWriMo is happening. I'm not sure... should I really try to do it? Will I be a rebel and just write Nostalgia, and possibly not even really do it? I think I'm probably going to end up not being able to. Mum doesn't want me to because she thinks it's what's making me stay up late at night, but it's a combination of Nostalgia, schoolwork and lonesomeness that does it. Late at night I get really depressed and lonely because I feel like I really have lost communication with my friends (the internet turns off late/earlyish... I'm so used to late hours that it seems early- ten o'clock).

I haven't tried to tell her yet, because it's so hard to formulate answers and questions and things to say. Especially orally, but even on the computer. Each day I lose my sense of discerning things 'mechanically' more, and I feel like I'm slipping farther and farther away.

But, along with that, I think I'm getting better... I seem to be recollecting little things from my 'past' more and more, and vaguely getting the idea that hope might exist and I might be able to track it down and capture it.

Nostalgia has, as of late, trotted on quite quickly. I think I said how I beated Andre, or was trying to, earlier- well, I did it, with flying colours. It was easy. He was only writing five-hundred words, and I was writing from two-thousand to four-thousand per day, sometimes a little less, though, depending. It gets harder to write Nostalgia every day when your thoughts are exactly the same as yesterday, or very much the same- you haven't got anything new to say.

I want my thoughts to flow rightly again. They kind of flit past my mind's eye, and dissolve. I can't hold on to them and elaborate on them in real thinker thought... they leave me. It's miserable. But... it's life. I always say it's life. I don't have any real sympathy for myself. I don't care much about myself, in fact, I'm angry at myself (irrationally), and I get weighed down by the sorrows of my friends and the world, and think that the world is made up of grief. It seems normal because I've gotten so used to this state I'm in, but it is not, and I need to make sure of that so that I can begin to know I need hope, and to have it.

That's the basic idea. Very general. It's all too complicated. That's why I can say I'm both getting worse and better- I'm losing grip every day more and more, but also, I'm gaining grip in another way. I'm remembering a few things once in awhile, in a vague, dissolving way, but I AM doing it, and that's good...

I hope I can somehow get better. But that might include quitting Creative Writing and Biology (my two real-life classes at a homeschool co-op). I don't want to. I have to learn Biology, and I like both classes. But I can't really keep up with the work, even though I always somehow get it done (after the last minute... *cough*). It's coping. It feels like I'm being defeated by this Cope-Monster which wants to make sure I get everything done 'somehow', without really doing it with my own nature and character, so that I can never say that I really, really can't do it. I always feel dishonest if I do. But I think it's true, so I timidly say it. People still know what I mean. At least, they say they do. I'm not sure if I believe anything (oh, well, I don't)... but I THINK it's so. I WANT it to be so.

And I REALLY hope I can get better. I don't like being this way. I think too little of myself and I'm too hard on myself and it hurts, and it's all complicated in a lot of ways. >.>

Tally-ho. Maybe I'll post soon again. I should post regularly...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Romans had grammatical errors, too!

That, I found out yesterday, in Latin class. We discussed it for awhile, and Dr. McMenomy perceived that Gabriel and I share an interest in the misspellings Romans had when they wrote, thinking a word was spelled one way because it sounded like it. They did that, too. Apparently, 'magnus' is not pronounced mahg-nus, it's mahng-nus. I expect '-ng-' as in 'finger'. :) I find that dreadfully brilliant! So, some Romans spelled it 'mangnus' or 'mangus'. I believe it was the latter, but I'm not sure. Isn't that interesting?

So, now I know how to pronounce 'magnus' correctly... and the temptation while thinking about it to say 'mangnus' is kind of ridiculous. But I will probably get used to it.

Now, I have to find a sight about inappropriate Latin! As in, misspellings that tell us how people actually pronounced the words then. However, I'm going to wait till I'm 'free' to do it.

Over the past two weeks or so I've written many, many pages of Nostalgia. I know I was at about 32000 words at the beginning of it, and last night I hit 40000. I am very proud of myself. I am bound to beat André (who's only writing a half-page of pathetically large print, size 12- I use size 10) in only a manner of days, if I keep it up. Last night I wrote 2316 words, and I am exceedingly glad of it! Not so much that I will beat André, but rather because I'm glad I'm writing so much. Even if it is nice (*cackle*) to be beating André after not being able to write so much...

Also, I am seeming to get a grip on things a tad better. I'm beginning to see things a little lighter, now, and to be able to find out a little more why I am this way now, anyway. I wrote it in Nostalgia last night. If I had lots of formatting here, I might quote, but this accursed thing won't let me do italics or anything, and I haven't the least idea why.

So. I have a whole bag of chocolate turtles without caramel FOR MY VERY OWN. Finally. Chocolate. Mmm.

And... I'm... well, I think I've said all on my mind for The Now. Farewell, peoples!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

What happens

It's been cloudy for many days, but then, is that so important?

I have developed an obsession for chai. I drink it very often. It started when we ran off to Taylor's Falls with the Wierings and Wierings. One of the Mrs. Wierings had chai in a thermos, and I obsessively drank it, that I could. We were playing four-on-a-couch when we got home, though, which didn't help for me to drink tea. At any rate, finally Papa has gotten some for my sake, and I'm drinking around four or five cups per day. >.> I think I should stop being sick and hopefully cut down on how much I drink. ^.^ More water, less tea.

I have also found out I like tea quite strong. A particular type of tea (I really doing know what it was) got excessively spicy when I steeped so long, but it really helps the throat, I think. I love tea.

Another feat of interest which has pranced upon my life is that we're renting a rental harp, and waiting for the 'permanent' rent-to-own harp is finished. The one I have now is a G-G cherry Lorraine by Stoney End harps, with G and C Loveland sharping levers. The one being made is an F-F cherry Sara by the same peoples, with full Truitt levers. I can't wait- only having C and G levers is rather disappointing. It limits what you can play quite a bit.

I have been 'teaching' myself to play- we've had the harp for some weeks now (all I know is I think the Sara is scheduled to be done in about two or one-and-a-half weeks), and I'm playing 'Let All Things Now Living', Greensleeves, 'All Things Bright and Beautiful', and some other random ones. I'm trying to make left-hand harmony for Gaudete (a Latin hymn of sorts which we sang at the gathering) and some queer haunting ancient hymn-tunes which Gabriel likes to play.

Gabriel also has developed an interest in pecking at the harp... he's like that, I suppose.

Because Andre's been learning to play guitar, Gina took the guitar out, too... and they're sort of contesting about how great THEIR versions of whatever song are, and so on, and I sort of sit in the middle of it, it seems. ^.^

Annnd I'm also trying to learn fiddle, though I haven't really done it much recently because I don't want to screech the siblings out of house and home. It is rather loud, to try to play it well; if you do it quietly it can sound odd. I can't even do vibrato very well anymore, but 'tis fine. Sometime I hope to get back into the old ways of playing violin, and I'll be vibratoing to death!

Along with everything else, I'm developing more interest in folksy instruments. Mostly Scotch and Irish ones, right now, but there are so many interesting instruments, it's ridiculous... trying to with to learn them all, or to have someone who knows one or two of them, or something. At least some people do have concertinas, bodhrans and so on. Do I forget? Hobgoblin Music has the most AMAZING instruments. Well, some of them. Really interesting... a weird wooden drum which sounds like a small log-drum, and a tiny hammered dulcimer, and them Appalachian dulcimers, and guitars, fiddles, concertinas, bagpipes, harps, etc. :) Annnd didgeridoos. Yes. They do have didgeridoos!

French goes fastly. It's like review. We children (I don't like to use kids, I'm afraid) were being taught French years ago, and so I know some, as well as pronunciation. I know pronunciation better now, but I knew some then... I just hope I won't anxiously forget everything I know when a test comes along (which one has).

Latin goes well, too. I suppose. I don't know whether I should say whether it goes well, yet, because we've still got light work. I'm getting more used to translating it all in a sitting, instead of being constantly distracted. I think my record today was translating it in about twoish hours... which is very good. It's always hard to start... the method for Latin III is very interesting; it's to teach you to read Latin, not to automatically translate it. Thus, it calls for a weird approach, but it's hard to explain. Vaguely, it's this: You read the passage through, then write down what you think it says, without looking to find out if that's what it really says (as in, no trying to figure it out), then, you look up all the words you don't know, and write them down. Next, keeping in mind the words you looked up, you read it again, writing what you think it says, without trying to figure it out. Then, you get to translate it. It really makes translating easier, I think, and in a way doesn't make translating so much like translating. It's fun. :)

Let me see. Another weird fact is that I'm 'practising' for taking taekwondo. That is, exercising. I am only remarkable in the feat of situps- one night I did one-hundred. Although, since I got sick, I haven't been doing much of anything because I get dizzy and feverish. My limbs are also very weak, for some reason. They collapse, sort of, and all, as though I've been working on them and I can't do any more, or something. It may simply be that I don't run around enough...

Let us hope I don't take it to my head, any of it. ^.^ I doubt I will. OH! An albino squirrel! We've had one running around. Yes, interesting.

So, that I may get some schoolwork done, I will zip away into all unrealisticness...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It won't wash away

I know that doesn't have anything to do with this, but enjoy!

We went on a trip to the ISLAS gathering in Colorado, and had much fun with all our online student friends. (I'm being attacked by flies!) Then we went off with the Hunters and saw Mesa Verde and later the Grand Canyon... and the Hunters ran off to their home and such and we met some more friends and had a great time being queer strange peoples. We took many pictures during all our occasions- first we ran off driving from Minnesota, we camped at Rocky Mountain National Park, drove up Trail Ridge Road and met the pikas and their habitat and the clouds, and on some obscure Wednesday drove through the mountains to Grand Junction and waited till the gathering started.

Then we met them. The president (of Islasdom) tried not to let the conversation die, and his mother was a great hostess. We met others, of course, but they are less important (not really, but I defer to His Overlordliness). We had a great lot of fun. Did many things. Played many games. Sang many songs, and hymns, and hiked, and danced, and played Ultimate Frisbee without doing much (on my part), ate food, sang the Doxology, and on and on. And we met the McMenomies (again, for some of us), our honoured teachers.

Saturday evening was the evening of the dance, and we danced five dances very excitingly. I was most often trying to be moving because of the bugs. And after that we sat around a bonfire, sang Gaudete for Dr. McMenomy, sang the song whose words are fully made up of the President's enlightening name, and played improvisation games (among others). Also, Hannah sang a song about what we had. It was also very enlightening. When it got terribly late, we had to say good-bye to each other...

On Saturday and Sunday some of us tearfully bade good-bye to the others who weren't leaving yet. On Sunday, the rest of us went to church with the President and the honoured hostess, and afterwards those of us who were there had dinner afterwards at the Presidential Ranch and had merry times (though I felt empty that we'd all be gone soon, and I suppose others did, too...), and then the McMenomies drove off to the airport, and eventually my family and the Hunters drove off to Mesa Verde.

And the joy was over.

But the Hunters and us had some joy. Seeing Mesa Verde and the Grand Canyon (a few days after the Mesa), and then when the Hunters had gone, on a Saturday, we eyebrow-raisers went to see some Blake-likes and Spear-likes at Oak Creek Canyon. There we swam around in the creek, or tried to, and froze within its depths.

Then we had to leave them, too, for they had a few-hour journey back to Phoenix. So we snapped some pictures, had icy things, snapped more pictures, and wailed our good-byes, and shot each other, and strangled each other.

And we drove bumper to bumper in a traffic jam for a long time and so the Blake-likes and Spear-likes got to see my cloak waved out Daddy's window (he was driving). And Jared ran up and said hi. And Gabriel ran to the Blakes' van and gave Erin seeds. And we waved a lot and took pictures and stuff.

And then my family ran off to Comfort Inn and was seen no more by Islasers.

Then we Bertilsons went to the Petrified Forest and Painted Desert, got stuck in Santa Fe because the fuel pump broke itself, got it fixed after staying there from Sunday to maybe Wednesday? And we tottered home in three days.

Iowa was very lush after being in desert for two weeks. Now I don't think I can fully appreciate the cooler temperatures (though more humid) here in Minnesota. Dry heat is lovely, as long as the sun isn't burning you. I forgot... in Santa Fe we went to a lovely fossil shop, and took many pictures, and saw three old churches (one was the oldest in America, and another was the church with the Miraculous Staircase). We saw other things, too.


What's going on here at home isn't quite as exciting as that. For your informations, we were gone about three weeks. Exactly, I think. From Saturday afternoon at the very end of July to August 14. It was Gina's happy birthday. Otherwise I probably wouldn't remember.

I hope to start taekwondo soon and become one of Mari's little pet white belts. It is a sweet thing to aspire to be. And so I aspire.

I have other things I am aspiring to be, but they will be kept from the absolute public (I'm certainly fine to tell you when chatting on the queer chatrooms I chat in... but I feel like I don't want to get my hopes up). It's not really a secret. So be happy.

That is all I have to say right now. I know I have more, but I don't know how I can possibly fit more in. This is already muchful. Westu hal!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Happily ever after...

It's very lovely outside- the wind is blowing, the trees are tossing, the sun is shining on the tops of them, and clouds are hazily sailing across the sky.

And there are no cicadas.

I do not like cicadas. Except their anatomies and finding cute castoff skins hanging on trees. I should study biology...

And I love trees! I'm so glad that God made them. :-) And I'm so glad that now, he put me in a place where they grow very commonly. They're so much larger than they were ten years ago... I remember quite well! It's just fascinating! I can't believe the trees grow just like me. As of the past few days, it's been stormy... wind, rain, clouds, lightning. There was a lightning storm last night, way to the east, and I was watching it from the window.

Last night, I decided not to go to the Harry Potter 6 movie. I had been preparing a costume for a random fifth-year, and I almost finished the cloak (it was finished enough to go in), but yesterday was not enough time to finish the dress. By the time the sun was going down, I was getting insane in the head, and I began to doubt that I would go... I would have had to stay up till 4:00 in the morning, and that would make me very tired, and then I would have problems for the rest of the week, and be depressed about it. Also, I wasn't prepared mentally to go see it. So, I'm glad I stayed home... but I was very depressed and nightmarish when I woke up, and out of control. Really. It's all obscure... and I suppose I can tell y'all individually.

So... I have a cloak, and I've been writing 'Forest', peacefully, and interestingly. :-)

I'm also starting to make my swimsuit, the pattern being from www.modestswimwearsolutions.com. (Somehow, I can't do italics or anything technical on here... I may fix this later) I have to trace it off from the main pattern. Gina already did it for herself; she's cut out her stuff.


And then, I'm quite sure I'm getting better. Ah, well, I can't say much more... I've lost my mood.

Apparently the HP 6 movie was very much liked in my family and elsewhere. :-)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Scrambled eggs and herbs

This brunch-time I made a nice little scramble of eggs. I was searching the cookbook (How To Cook Everything, to be exact) earlier, didn't get too inspired by it, except to make nice sand cake... But later, I went outside, and saw that the basil was actually doing wonderfully, munched some, and then, somehow, I decided I'd make eggs. And later, while I was chopping things up, I decided to make a larger batch.

I made it rather simply, cutting up leftover bell peppers, green, red and orange, and used the rest of the chopped onions which we used for tacos two days ago (I think). Later, after I'd asked everyone except Gina and Gabriel if they'd cut onions (Gina was asleep, may still be), I asked Gabriel and he went at it. I didn't think he would. Nobody else really had, so it was rather nice. And Gregory cut up the rest of the green and red bell peppers, leaving the orange to... do what it wished to (possibly mold) in the fridge. No, it wasn't a bad thing to do. We didn't need any more peppers.

Here's a picture of what I chopped up:

I put in the red, orange and green peppers (I cut a few up before Gregory did it, so there were some orange ones in it), chopped onions, fresh chives, basil and rosemary from outdoors... and it tastes wonderful!! Since we didn't have much else to experiment with, I didn't add anything else. :P I don't think it's a good idea to add too much spice to eggs, though, because it can get a bit yucky if it's overdone. And I would recommend to use fresh herbs, not dried... I've tried a few silly times to put in dried basil and rosemary, and it's not as nice. Scrambled eggs are just meant to be fresh, I suppose...

And here's how all of it looked like in the end:Annnd for the record, I cut the basil up into little pieces (basil LEAVES, the only way you get them truly fresh, I suppose, but still...)... not totally small, but small enough to give enough for a bite. And I cut the rosemary into smaller pieces. Good flavouring. The chives, I cut into sections of about half an inch each. I don't think there were enough chives, but our plant is really not doing very well (it might be because it's being choked out with crab grass), unlike past years... and the other plant that I think we had is gone. At least, it looks to be gone. :-)

Pie pictures coming later, I hope. I have pictures of the finished pie, and pictures of what the blueberry-strawberry pie looked like when I just put it together.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Of The Pies- a story...

...just kidding. Also of other things.

Life has been rather brightly busy. Let me see. All I can really remember happening is that on Saturday, we went to the birthday party out in the country on a farmy place four hours away of my father's mother's cousin... it was quite nice, frankly, though the other kids don't seem to agree with me. I liked the food, the cowboy hats, the boots, and the birds and things, and I got to see pelicans eating in the pond. Yum. Er, well, never mind that. :P

Then, on Sunday, everyone was tired for some oddball reason, and we ended up staying home from church, so I made breakfast; eggs and pancakes, and didn't have time later that day to finish making the pies, whose dough I made on Friday. I forgot that bit. At sometime around 3:30, we went off to a partyish thing of the Twin Cities Project, a church plant, and had lots of food and fun. I told Gregory there that root beer is more intelligent than Sprite, I think it was, or else it was Sierra Mist. Or Mountain Dew. :-o I really don't remember. Anyways. Root beer is obviously for more intelligent people.

A quote I have tried to restore from that meeting is this, when we were having introductions, apparently we were supposed to give our name, and then the animal we think we'd be if... we were an animal.

One lady said (I don't remember her name, of all carnations... I was introduced to her by Mummy earlier and I totally didn't remember): 'My name is (where I forgot her name), and I think I would be a cat.'
Then Bart (who was leading) said: 'Then I would be allergic to you.'

Bart and Chad (who started this project) are often cracking jokes. About each other and about other things/people. Later on, I snapped a flashful picture of Bart, and he told me I should have warned him first, so he could flare his nostrils, and then he did, so I got a picture of him with flared nostrils. It's quite hilarious. :-)

So, I suppose you suppose that I had fun yesterday. I did. I was very tired, though. But it didn't matter. Annnd, when we got home, of course I lugged onto the computer and wrote some Nostalgia, and posted it, and then got off when the internet turned off, and went to bed. Yayness. I got to sleep earlier than normal, due to the internet turning off a half-hour earlier on Saturdays and Sundays, sooo that was great.

Todayyy *drumroll* I finished/am finishing making the pies. One is a strawberry-rhubarb, and the other is turning out to be a blueberry-strawberry, just because there ooobviously aren't five cups of blueberries in the bag of frozen blueberries. The first one is finished, but I'm waiting for the blueberries and strawberries to thaw just a jot so that I'll have something to mix the sugar and cornstarch and spices into. I should check it now, but I'm dreadful foolish. I made a nice woven top to the first pie. Yayness. It's ten inches in diameter, the other is probably eight or nine. I'm not sure.That's what the first piecrust that was crustified looked like at first. I was showing it to Mummy and Noah took some pictures me of me conversing about frozen fruit and things to Mummy. Indeedful, it does look nice, and shabby. I like shabbily nice things.
Here's what the two looked like when finished. I'm sorry that Blogger turned the picture, or Picasa, perhaps; that's what it does with photos when it uploads, thinking they're supposed to be this way. Ahh, well. I decorated the lower one with that fork, and the other with my fingers. The finger-ful one is the larger.
And the finished strawberry-rhubarb. Right now, all 'finished' means is that it's done being all pasted together and ready to go into the fridge, or the oven. I don't know when we'll eat these things; possibly tonight, possibly when it's cooler out. Depends what my parents want to do. :-) Personally, I want to have the strawberry-rhubarb today.
The messy kitchen table. Most of it was pie-stuff, with the hub behind it. But Gabriel got out the peanut butter and Mum got out a tart-bowl-thingy if I had any dough left in the end of it (which is looking bleak). Since then, I've put those away. That Roundy's ice cream container has disgustingful rotten vegetable substances in it, and I don't have any idea why the lemon juice was out.

The strawberry and rhubarbness. It looks odd when the picture's this small... but anyways. Yesss. :-D








And I was eating that while making this sort of stuff. :-) Yummm. Actually, this is the brownieness I was eating afterwards, but I was eating brownies while, too. Rather a bad lass I ammmm.

So, that's kind of what went on today. And lots of pics. Enjoy!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Not a thing!

Oh, a few things, actually.

So, I will admit that one reason I don't stop *trying* to think when I'm with you people is because I don't want to have to tell you or explain to you how I can't think. Because it's hard to understand if I don't explain it... I mean, some people say they can't think when they don't want to say something. :-)

So, I'm really, really burned out today, trying to study Latin, to learn fiddle, to play pianos... it takes up WAY too much energy. Not to mention, the humidity wears me out, even if it's not at all hot out. It's about eighty-one degrees now. Yesterday, it was about 75, and that sweltered me enough. I tend to get weak with humidity, and heatier temperatures.

So, later yesterday and today, I've been sort of lazing around, starting things, but leaving them down soon enough. The thing is, whenever I get the violin back up, I have to retune it, and that takes enough of my energy away, so I'm all tired when I actually play it. Also, the piano is having trouble; it is holding notes slightly, without the pedals, and it sounds soft. It's driving me insane. I can't bear soft pianos. I want to be able to do the dynamics without hindrance!

I'm not quite sure there's much else to say, except that mischief is afoot! I hope I can write something soon, and flabbergast y'all.

God sie mid eow!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Musings

It's sunny out, and very nice. However, it is a little warm, I'll admit, if you stomp around in the sunshine. Not in the sunshine, there's a pleasant breeze and a coolness to it that is a tad summery. I suppose summer's coming. Ah, well.

I'm learning two-ish new hymns these days, on the piano, and, I suppose, I'll probably learn the words, too. I like to sing while I play. They are, 'We Are God's People' and 'Stand Up, O God, Be Present Now'. I like both of them quite a bit. The first's tune is from Brahms's Symphony No. 1 op. 68 in C minor, and the second is, well, some random piece written in the later 1900's, I believe. Both of them are fun to play, although the second one isn't down as 'hard' as the first.

I'm getting the hang of playing violin, now. I hope I can get on and start fiddling soon. I have the violin out, and I tuned it, which all-of-a-sudden turned into a fun task today. :P I don't know if it'll stay that way; I just found it fun. The A string still drives me bonkers because it's sort of... tingly/raspy. The metal on it is rather busted, so it doesn't exactly sound nice. Also, it's driving my tone-undeaf ear insane... but it's fine for now. We need to restring it.

I have pictures here and there of things I 'did', mostly food... yesterday I was proud to have made breakfast; using up the breakfast sausages in the freezer and other stuffs. The eggs were really good. I just gobbled up the leftovers, and I wish there were more. :P I will probably make them again someday, and hopefully I can make some bacon, too. We were out back then, and we might still be, even though yesterday was a most gigantic grocery-shopping day. Sam's Club and the normal grocery store (think del parents went to Cub Foods)... and CHOCOLATE CHIPS! So now I can make chocolatey food.

Currently, I'm mostly playing the piano and singing with it, and I'm making myself learn the left hand for O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus, which I sort of left off doing the left hand of for awhile... but it sounds plenty fine with the right hand, so I just sing away.

Other than the two hymns up above that I said I'm learning, I've learned the right handness to some other hymns, and I mayyyy try to learn the left hand, too, but those hymns aren't as attractive to me as some others, except for their words. Boring me. :P

Very soon we'll be going to a graduation party... of our step-cousin... annnnd it'll be rather interesting. We don't see our relatives very much on either side of the family; last time I saw my dad's family was about seven months ago for Thanksgiving (PIE!!!).

Is this very boring? Well, I'm going to try not to make a too-long post. You will likely get more pictures soon. The Arboretum pictures are on Gina's camera, so it may take longer for me to extract those, but I took some on Noah's camera (not at the Arboretum; just at home).

Be joyful, and all that! God sie mid eow! (Ohhh, it's SO much fun to put random labels on posts. :-) )

Friday, June 12, 2009

New tidings, I bring!


Nice that I have two blogs, and I get to post two posts at near the same time. It really... makes life quite pointless and lazy.

So, to keep life interesting, I'm going to post some pictures. Aren't you stunned?

Sadly, they're pictures I drew. :-) Lest I let you DIE in suspense... um... be patient and I'll upload them!

That left-hand picca is Lianen, my Dornthalia RPG character. In her winter clothes, or cold-weather clothes. Because she has a tunic on under her over-tunic that doesn't look particularly light-weight. I'm expecting there would be some decoration on her clothes, but I'm afraid I just realized that now. :P She hasn't got her hair braided, as she usually does, but instead it's out. This is mostly because I was drawing her head with the hair sort of flowing onto her right-to-us shoulder. Grrrowl to me! :P

The picture to the right is Lianen again, in less wandererly clothing. She looks terribly sad, I know.... whenever I'm in a drawing mood, I draw people sad. So, she ended up like that.

Her clothes are very, very interesting, I suppose. I know how tempting it would be to see them as her nightclothes, but they aren't. I suppose the thing she's got over her dress is a sort of robe, but, since it has shorter sleeves, it might not serve so well for a warming-garment for extreme temperatures. Obviously, it's decorated a lot, too.

That's one difficulty- where would she wear this? I'm assuming it's later in the RPG, when she's somehow stuck with some more noble folks.

And she has beads strung in her hair, which is another sign of her wearing more fancy clothes. Never going to get over it...

Here we go! I figured it out. This picture-putting is a little over my head. Or else, not. It makes a nice set-up, all switchy-sidey.

This is not Lianen, and it is also an older picture. I really like this dress. The style (as in, construction) is very simple, and I like simple after all of my crazy embroidered ones. It's got a tiny bit of longness int he back, I think, however, it looks as though it's got over-longness all over. It would probably be hemmed an inch above the ground.

/end technical.

Just enjoy the artsiness of it. Like the other two pictures, it's drawn very small. I tend to draw small.


Oh, grr. It annoys me that in this one the lady's facing out, but I suppose it doesn't matter.

This is also very old. You might understand that I haven't drawn many recent pictures by now. :-)

So, well, this is another sad lass.

I HAVE to admit to you all that it's dreadfully hard for me to draw a wide selection of things. I can't draw men as well as I can draw women and girls and boys... I'm not sure why; I'm sort of trying to figure it out gradually. I also can't draw various animals as well, in the same way. And inanimate objects. That probably explains why I haven't drawn lots of illustrations yet.


I suppose that will be all for today. Mayyybe you can give me constructive comments this time? :P

Monday, June 8, 2009

Not at all sane

I changed the name again. I probably will again. And again. And again.

I'll take my English Lit exam soon... frightening thought, isn't it? I'm going to wait till Gina and Mummy are back from driving lessons for Gina... which should be very soon. Then I'll probably take it, or at least I'll try. :P Being torn away from friends for an hour and a half is such a saddening thing, when what you're going to is a dreadfully essay-ish exam! I suppose I'm pretty sure I'll survive, but it's still quite a deadening process...

As you probably know, because you're reading this, I've also changed the name of the link of my blog again... poor thing. It will probably stay as it is now, though. I hope to post more, and hopefully I'll have interesting things to say!

I might want to condemn my past posts to the Halls of Hades or something because they're very rambly and unkempt, but this one might be just the same. I'll try to give you all something to think about. I hope my life will get more interesting, rather than just a long list of my woes!

I took more pictures. You will be able to enjoy those, at least some of you, unless you're a wandering person looking at all the blogs in insanely ridiculous order here on Blogger. If you are, well, I don't know what to say. Turning you away sounds nasty.

But it's not highly likely that you are, so I'll keep it all jovial and disreputable.

I made pudding today, and I uploaded pictures, and I studied English Lit, but nothing else exciting seems to be happening. I'm learning Handel's Air from Water Music, though. That's interesting! But it isn't really easy for me to handle. I'm not sure if I've got the fingering exactly right, but I'll try to ask Gabriel about it sometime.

It's been cloudy the past three days. It wasn't windy until now, I think; the wind just decided to stagger out and brighten things. It may not be sunny for awhile yet, or else it'll be sunny tomorrow. I hope that Thursday will be pleasantly cloudsy; sun shining, but clouds sailing across the sky, and possibly a little bit of wetness. It's dry here in Minnesota. Quite dry. The grass decided it didn't have enough water to stay green, so it gave up and got yellow and brown. So, on Saturday, the sunrise wasn't sunny, and it rained, and on Sunday, it did the same, except not so much rain, and today, the same as Sunday, and less rain, I believe. It's wet, though, and cold, and humid. I have been trying hard not to let the cloudiness get to my head, and now I deceptively think that it's Friday still. Sunday was sort of a sad day. I enjoyed church and seeing nice people, but I was tired and still thinking it was Friday. :/ Rather sad.

In a way, I'm behind on everything. I really can't think much at all; reading English Lit is sort of like not reading at all, except reading. I know that doesn't make sense. It's ever-so-hard to explain, and I generally only can explain it when I'm really talking to something animate and not just a white, blank background that somehow, because my fingers are flitting across the page, turns all sprinkled with black figures.

I want to write, but I can't get writing out! I've been reading poetry all year in English Literature, too, and it seems that this schoolyear was nothing but poetry. The poetry during World War I tends to be very disheartening and depressing, as well as other stuff written then, talking about all the young men leaving and dying, and even older men, and whatever happens at home, and what war was REALLY like. Not just a romantic tale from the early 1800's... but rather blank, grey and unfriendly. Well, war isn't generally friendly, but I think you might know what I mean.

I think, since earlier today, I gained more of my contemplative silliness, and now I'm trying to gather my thoughts so that I can write Nostalgia. But I can't gather my thoughts. I don't have any power over that, I think. Or else I don't think- I just... think. Very profound, eh?

I suppose I'll hopefully relax off of all of this when exams are done, even though they're going to cover the next twoish weeks, one today, Latin later this week, and the standardized tests (throw them down an endless well into the abyss of wet, murky darkness!!!). I've been too worried about everything that's happening, so I hope that when school is less everywhere and that's off my mind, I might be able to stop thinking so hard and try to get a little more playful. Someday I might get better, and then I'll be able to write furociously, comment furociously, and play furociously... and do all sorts of furocious things. I've never furociously done things since ages ago, and it would be the most amazing thing to get back into it! Pray that I get there, soon. SOON. I want to be myself again, doing things tirelessly and goofily... and I might steadily work my way through Nostalgia again.

Please suggest to me any ideas you have that I could do. It would be great to have people suggest things to me... I need to stop thinking all by myself. I might want to lean hard on y'all... but I think it would be best if I try to stop doing it myself, and try to let God take it all, and have you all help me with that. I'd like to find my enjoyment in things... it's so hard to enjoy anything in this old city, though! I really don't believe it exists.

That's one of my biggest troubles now. (:P) Being in the city, that I can't understand. Sooo... I want to go somewhere else for the summer, but I can't. The city is driving me insane. There's nowhere to go, nothing to enjoy. I can't even enjoy anything in the house. It doesn't really feel any different in reality than the outdoors. And it's not much of an outdoors. Who on earth invented putting houses together on queer squareish things, next to, in front of, behind, practically on top of all sorts of other queer squareish things, full of the same buildings and houses...

I really need to get out of here for awhile, and maybe I'll appreciate it a little more. I wonder if there's anything about cities TO appreciate, though. I don't mind having to travel to get food; it's work that makes you feel fulfilled, isn't it? I love work! I don't care if I have to do that. I'd LOVE to do it. I'm as stubborn as an ox!

Well, good-bye. I wish I had an excuse to post ten more posts here...

(Yeah, the label is very original. :-) )

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Boing!

*boing!*

Why am I happy? No reason. Or else a reason. I'm not REALLY happy, but I just got excited and I don't remember why. I JUST remembered and then I forgot.

Really helpful...

*boing!*

So. Bounce.

Nice school I'm in. Homeschool, well, I'm changing my main math curriculum again. Again! Woe to me! I... really fail.

Fail.

But that is not... happy! Um. It is! But it isn't. It is AND it isn't. Is that confusing? Sorry. I'm kind of confused right now. It's lovely out, even though it's not particularly windy right now. I wish it were; I love the wind. It rolls around and plays with nothing and is happy! Or else with something.

Yes, I am confused.

And random! Bounce!

Ok, I'm going to settle and... I love my books by Mrs. Clark! Yay Mrs. Clark!

*form of spazz that is not spazzy and stupid*

Ah, well. Studies to do. I hope I can get a pattern made today, or almost made! Oh, I forgot. I have so much to do. Forget it, I won't do it. :P Or maybe I will.

See? I'm indecisive. Tally-ho, friends! Kabangs and kabooms to y'all!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A note-

I have another blog which is mostly dedicated to artsy projects which I plan to do. It does not exclude the art of randomnity, but I believe it will exclude writing because I think it would be better to make myself a blog for my writingy stuff rather than clog up a visual blog with it. Not that it would be exactly clogging, but I think you'd know what I mean.

It's still being constructed. I'm trying to figure out in my mind a way to settle a name, but one hasn't turned up, so it's gone through a few. At least three. That is, it's going through the third right now.

So, enjoy the insanity of myself, and please don't be scared away by my insanity.

*runs away*

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Randomizedness.

I am almost done with the Wheelock's book. There are only three more chapters. I feel old! :D

And I want to make another blog for the sake of projecty stuff- hopefully it will have more pictures and stuff on it, and ideas for different things with pictures, and instructions for weird things with pictures. Pictures, pictures, pictures. :) Hopefully Mum will buy a new camera for herself, although I don't know that Dad and Mum are convinced that hers isn't the wonderfullest thing in the world yet. And it needs its own rechargeable batteries, or else some siblings may become annoyed.

I would much rather be able to use a sane camera for taking pictures, and Noah's the only one I know that I can use, because Gina's memory card is full. And using either of those cameras, I don't think I'd be able to download the pictures as much as I wish I could. So I'm a bit tied for ideas. :P

Also, I don't know if I said, but I got my books from Mrs. Clark awhile back. I am going to start doing seamstressing soon, hopefully, and that's what part of my new blog will be filled up with. Seamstressing, and pictures. I wish I could have a camera to take as-I-go-along-making-the-projects pictures, which means I better find a way to use one 24/7. :) I don't know yet if I really want one for my birthday; there are a lot of things I'd probably rather get, and it costs SO much. But siblings before have done it. I just don't think a technology from parents would be something fulfilling my everlasting birthday destiny.

So, I'm trying to find out if I REALLY want to call my new crafty blog 'whatnot'. It's the only thing I seem even partially satisfied with, though. It could be 'craftywhatnot', but that would drive me crazy. So, not that.

Soooo. Right now, I'm 'working on' making my circle skirt. I stitched up the sides of the fabric, and now it needs to be shrunken. I'm not sure yet how I'll do it. I'm being a sensitive fool and not completely succumbing to the ways of basins in this house. Just because I don't want to possibly be handling truly dirty fabric when it's done drying. :-S

Math is being done, too. I feel old about that, a little, except I never really have a thrilling feeling at the end of math courses as I do at the end of language ones. It just isn't the same... languages are so much more useful. *snigger*

Ok, I don't really mean that. Math is actually extremely useful.

I love my church. Eee. :) It's sweet and small and friendly and all.

*bounces away*

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Newwws...

My dress is very much almost done... :o

I have only to hem it, and then it will be done. However, I need Mummy and Gina's help for hemming it. And I'm so tired.... it's just a wonder I'm still alive!

I will post pictures on some place at some time. :-)

So, I shall zip away and sleep. Good-night, all!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Ah, well.

Snow is a bad thing. It has come too many times to be good. It deserves justice. I want to go run after it and destroy it for the rest of the year, till November. Then it can come again. Just not now!

It was spring a few days ago. And it's already winter again, though happily not as cold as it was earlier. But I don't care!


I have recently acquired, been given, some wool that I love. I'm very in love with wool.

I can't say anything sensible, so I suppose I will say this... once I find a new name for my blog and a new name for the link, I am goinnnnng away! Changing all of what I had planned before! I will try to have something sensible to say, and keep you posted on Major Things that Happen. I'll post pictures, hopefully, and show you what silly things I'm producing at the rate of a silly young lady. I love that title.

Right now, despite the forecast of the Great, Great Snow Tradition of Early Spring in Minnesota, I am glad I am a young lady. Or a lady, in general. It's rather a nice thing to anticipate what God may do with you... I really want to be a mother. Hopefully of sixteen silly, crazy kids, or more, or possibly less, but I must have a large family. Maybe more than large to some of you, but to me, it just seems normal. I think lots of kids are better for the siblings in a family; it helps them grow, I think. I experienced it, and still am, so I guess I know something. Except that my family isn't very large; only five kids. And it seems like there just aren't enough of us- it is a small family, I know. It's actually really small. But nobody will believe me except those really insane other people who are like me. :P

Well, Gina made fajitas this evening. It's nice to have them again, even if the juice hates to be swallowed. We also watched another bit of 24. I don't know... I feel as though we watch so much movie/TV it's sickening, and I never get to bed on time. I should go to bed now, but I'm feeling as though I need to exert some of my writing powers, and I want to look at fabric and dream about all the clothes I can make out of it someday.

I tried to find some piece to learn, but I got tired of looking at all the orchestral pieces that were adapted for piano. I prefer playing piano pieces on the piano, rather than orchestra or chamber on piano. It destroys the effect of many lovely pieces... although it is nice to play the really loud Beethoven parts, to annoy my brother and make my sister start humming it really loud. :)

I made scones last night and the night before (part the first night, end the second night) and everybody's raving about them, and begging to have more. There were something around 55 of them in total, and the amount has probably shrunken a lot now. I don't advise you to put craisins in scones, but if you find you like it, that's quite well for you. My family seems not to prefer it, though. Dried apricots and dried apples are good, except that our apples were diluted with prune and other stuff and very old and brown, and thus not very full of apple-flavour. But experrrriment, pals! Cooking is an amazing domain. I'm trying to figure out how I could fix up our fireplace so I could experiment cooking by fire, but it's such a small fireplace, and there's a sort of guard up. It wasn't meant for cooking, that's for sure. Silly Edwardian people don't have any sense. :P

I'm getting books to learn how to do 1850's-'60's clothing. It will probably advise a few things applicable to previous clothings, too, so that I will probably start making Regency-era clothes. They're, I believe, one of the simplest eras. Modern clothing isn't really easier (I think), because it's so much more complicated than older styles. I'm hoping to learn old ways of sewing and focus on that for my every-daywear, but you can do other if you prefer.

Once I finish my princess-seamed dress, I shall begin to whip up my own clothing. Skirts, shirts and dresses are the main priority now, and on the way I'll figure out some sort of a gypsy-style costume. Not really historic gypsies; probably a style of gypsy for one of my stories that I haven't written. I hope to make a short chemise out of linen or cotton or possibly a light wool, piece together a many-gored skirt out of different pieces of brightly-dyed wool, make a vest or some sort of bodice, and other pieces for different setups. I will probably build on it if I like it well enough over time. It would be atrociously fun, to use a very descriptive word. :)

I am getting the books on mid-1800's clothing from elizabethstewartclark.com .

And now, I shall zip away. A harp piece (You know, I really do feel desperate. I am going to relax on this tradition when I reform my blog...): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVfOUwvXB80

Tally-ho, folks! Supposing you know me, please contact me on what to change my name to. I really need something that sticks and that is imaginative, whimsical and wistful.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Brownies, yellow grapefruits, and a non-existent stash of chocolate!

Yes. I am ecstatic. And I can't remember why... and I wrote a very darling little story.

The rag moved fuzzily up to the knife. 'I wonder what this is!' He climbed in a very raggy manner up onto the handle. The handle moved him and his raggy train a little with the momentum of his existence upon it. Then the rag tested the blade.... and cut off a whole hem of one of his corners! He screamed involuntarily, and bounced off of the knife, sky-high. There, he lives to this day, in a great, tall oak.

This was inspired by the knife I cut my grapefruit with, which is actually still haunting me... I could get rid of it, but it caused me to write such a nice fable that I couldn't help but pity the state in which it would eventually be: drowning in soap and water.

A few people have wanted me to write another post. So I decided I would.

We had art class last week again, and I got to start three watercolour pictures. One is a snowman, with a tophat and a cane and a beard and spectacles, and another is a tree in the middle of a somewhat snowy storm (but not snowy enough; I suggested to my brother that he make his tree be in a blizzard, where you would see just blank snow), all finished, and the third one is a sweet little bird that will probably be a chickadee or a bluebird or some bird I'm familiar with. I'm not in the habit these days of making up wintery birds. I was thinking of putting a tophat on him, too, but I decided against it for a reason that I can't clearly remember.

It's still cold here. Our lowest temperature during the day must have been -20 or so, and on Saturday and Sunday we jumped up to 30's and 40's, that range of temperatures being the warmest it's been in awhile here. It's going to get cold again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDKdi3Dm-I8&feature=related
I can't remember this, but I'll post it anyways. It must be nice. :)

And that will be all, ladies and gentlemen and those who asked for a post!